Roadside Treasure

"Man! Have I got a story for you…"

I have used that opening line countless times. The tale usually starts with me needing something I cannot provide or an interpersonal crisis that I cannot control. Issues of finances, health, and people have kept me on my knees. Jesus tells us to chase after Him and He will provide all we need. (Matthew 6:25-34) I'd like to tell you that I took hold of that truth and never looked back but that would be disingenuous. I have wrestled with God's plan on all accounts. That seems silly now as I say it out loud. God's plan is always right and me and mine are always the better for it.

I have many stories of times when the people I love were in some sort of ditch. I would be begging God to rescue my loved one and instead He would do something crazy in the seemingly mundane. These moments remind me that if He sees and cares even about the everyday things of little value, He is certainly on task with the people stuff that has eternal worth. These crazy stories of provision and intervention boost my faith while I wait for Him to redeem the big stuff. Each of these stories are noteworthy on their own. Funny even. The way God provides for me is never without entertainment value. He knows I need to laugh more. One of the ongoing themes in my stories is the number of times that I find what I need sitting on the side of the road. Sometimes things that are so new and perfect you can't imagine them being discarded. Like the beautiful rocking chair and footrest I just picked up for my friend who is having a baby. Other items need a little care and then can easily be useful. Some of those stories are on this blog, and in the video journal of my shave ice trailer. Baby Blue Water Tank Dumpster Green A Better View Countertop Trash White Wicker  

I think the reason God uses this side of the road gig so much is because that is where He found me. That is the story I want to tell you today.

It was a time in my life when I was grieving so deeply I almost could not function. I slept as long as I could in the morning and went to bed as early as I could in the evening. I'm pretty sure that's depression. My friends were so blindsided by what was happening in my life that they didn't know what to say. It was a very lonely time.

I was buried by emotional pain because my husband had left. I could not even conceive this happening. At the same time, I was recovering from major back surgery and knee replacement. I felt like breathing was work and to be honest, I wasn't sure I even wanted to do it.

Everyday, I had to walk my German Shepherd, Zorro. He was just a year old and topped out at 120 lbs. So there I went down the street, with a brace on my back, a brace on my knee, and a dog at my right hand. The physical pain was so great it is hard to describe, but the emotional pain was what made me desperate. 

I have long believed that God is "there". Like, with us, in the room, watching… "there". And I would say that He could do anything. Not God like some universal power but literally the God who created the universe and then came to live in it as Jesus. The God so powerful that He could create, and yet so loving and personal that He would come to us. So while I walked I reached for Him. I was long out of words to pray so I used a little prayer book that I had come to appreciate. It was full of prayers that come right out of scripture. I prayed the prayers about marriage, the ones about provision, the ones about children, and the ones about health. I knew God was "there" and I was sure that He was going to restore all of those things.

This went on for weeks. It was the only time I felt like I was doing something of value. In spite of the pain, I took that walk sometimes three times a day. I spoke my prayers out loud when I walked. I prayed prayers of determination, faith, and strength. Everyday believing that this was the day things would change. But that is not what happened. In fact things got worse and I got more and more weary.  The thoughts in my head didn't match the prayers coming out of my mouth and I began to feel like a fake.

One day, a few blocks from my house, I just stopped on the side of the road. The little book in one hand, the dog in the other, and tears streaming down my face.  I could not take another step or utter another syllable. For a second I contemplated telling God how I really felt. I didn't want to give up those strong prayers of faith but I reasoned that He already know how I felt. I just stood there contemplating my next words. There would be no going back from this moment.

Eventually I just mumbled out loud; "I'm just so sad". There was some sort of relief in that statement that I can't quite explain and so I stood there and just said it over and over. I waited, not sure what to say next. And then, In my head I heard "Blessed are those who mourn". I know that Bible verse. It's the first half of Matthew 5:4. I hadn't been reading or listening to anyone talk about it so when it popped in my head like that, I knew that was God's response. His voice to me, giving me permission from His Word to grieve.

I'll be honest, I didn't quite get it. I would have expected Him to say something about strength and determination. But I knew what and who I had heard. Honesty matters and my heart was mourning even though I had tried to camouflage that with my words. I stood there, still in front of the green house, having a full on conversation, out loud as usual with God. Finally I said "ok, I’m going to let you have it."

For weeks that followed, I walked, sometimes still three times a day, and cried, and cried, and cried. The little book became so tear soaked that it looked like it had been left in the rain. I told God everything I was "mourning". Every emotional pain, every physical pain, every wrecked expectation, all of it. God didn't fix any of that. But what did happen was even more valuable. I can't explain it exactly but God went from being "there" to being "here"… like right next to me. Subtle, but wildly significant.

The whole verse of Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn because they will be comforted". Other places in scripture we are taught that God's Spirit is the Comforter. And that is how I describe the change in God's presence that happened in my life over those coming weeks. He went from being "there",  to being "here". He wasn't on the other side of the room waiting for me to be stronger, or at the end of the road waiting for me to reach Him. He was next to me wiping my tears, being the true Comforter. Our relationship got leveled up through my pain. I am so grateful!

What was ahead for me and mine was rough. But God was "here" instead of "there" through all of it and whatever still remains to come. His presence is hope, purpose, and victory. And through Jesus, His plan is always more and better than mine. (Ephesians 3:20)

I regularly find treasure on the side of the road. I laugh as I jump out of my truck to pick up something worn and discarded that I can give new life. I see those moments as a wink and a nod from God, and they always reminds me  - that's exactly what He did with me.