Grain & Wine

It was Sunday night. I went to bed early to avoid pain. But I struggle with sleep and this night was no exception. I had a lump in my throat and a pain in my chest. They had been there longer than a day, longer than a month, and longer than a year. My pain was physical and emotional and the latter was by far the worse. I wondered if I would ever be right again.

That morning in church my pastor asked, "If you can't sleep because you are lying in bed stressing over something, is it possible that you are not trusting God?" He knew the question was rhetorical. It was his gentle way of leading us to God's truth about ourselves.  I knew I was stressing and not trusting and my brain wrestled between the two. My thoughts ran amuck.

My pain was over my broken family. My husband was with another woman, and my barely adult children were on a trajectory of destruction that included chemical addiction. It was hard to believe this was our life. My mind taunted me with should haves, would haves, and could haves. I wanted to be a woman known for  faith…but I was failing.  It's one thing to say you trust God and it's another to have peace, turn out the light, and when your world is in chaos.

I got up and mumbled to Jesus about how I felt. I spent the next half hour in random attempts to distract myself and become tired. I tried watching TV, tidying the living room and a handful of snack crackers.  Convinced that I had loitered long enough, I headed back to bed. All the effort had just made me more awake. I made one of those fake-it-'til-you-make-it declarations and told Jesus that I trusted Him, and I was going to sleep. I took a few too many melatonin, turned out the light and set to getting into a comfortable position. Moving around in bed is hard for me due to a chronic back condition and all I managed to do was trigger that pain. And as for faking it, well that never works for me or Jesus.

I find lying awake in bed maddening. So I reached for my phone and began scrolling for some diversion. That was a mistake. My kids were posting pictures of their night with their dad and his girlfriend. The pictures were full of smiles, food, and alcohol. I forced the lump in my throat into submission. I didn't have the money to throw a party with fancy food and there were no circumstances under which I would be serving alcohol to my children. Even with that truth holding my convictions steady, I was sad - very, very sad. This arsenal of images now made the sleep I longed for impossible. I felt the tears puddle between my face and my pillow.

By nature, I tend toward the pragmatic so this emotional state annoyed me. I like to think of myself as able to corral emotions and reach logical resolutions. But again, I was failing. I asked God for help.  I didn't "hear" Him speak but the notion to read my Bible came to mind. Since I truly believe that every human condition is addressed in scripture, this solution held promise and I criticized myself for not thinking of it sooner. I reached for my Bible. Surely, God would throw some blanket of peace and sleep from the heavenlies if I read His Word. But, this too did not work. I could see the words on the familiar pages, but they seemed disconnected and random and I could not concentrate. My pastor's words from 12 hours earlier rang in my head, "…is it possible that you are not trusting God".

I squinted to shut up the thoughts and think of my next action.  If I could not read the Bible, maybe I could just listen to it. So I grabbed my phone again, this time for the Bible app. I didn't search for any particular scripture, I just hit the play button. I noted to myself how random that seemed. Then me and my spine full of nuts and bolts set to finding a comfortable position again. The audio Bible was playing in the background; "wha wha wha" - but I could not hear the words because the sheets and blankets were rustling in my ears while I moved around.

Finally, I was still. I heard my own weighty sigh followed by the soothing male voice of the Bible app… "You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

 What???!!! For a second I truly thought I was hearing things. Was I so desperate that I had created my own mental monologue disguised as my Bible app?  Logic told me that was not the case so I flipped on the light and grabbed my phone to look at the text that I had just heard. Sure enough those are the real words of Psalm 4, verses 7 and 8. Literal verses about others enjoying food and alcohol,  the joy that God gives that is better than all of that - AND the sleep that follows.

I just  laid there for a second stunned. Trying to do the math so to speak. I have no words or thoughts that do justice to the sovereignty and love of God that would turn my audio Bible on at exactly the right place. I was undone in a whole new way. Again, my eyes spilled over with tears. I still felt broken and sad, but loved… so very loved by God. I could trust Him - and I fell asleep.

My family situation did not get better the next day, or the next month, or the next year. But for each new obstacle that family and the other challenges of life have brought, I trust. Not because I have done something remarkable to learn how to trust, but because God had so gently reached into my pain and proved himself trustworthy.